UPDATE: coachella, i still hate you

every blog is buzzing about coachella recaps. well, guess what? i've hated that stupid festival since day one and everything i read about it only makes me hate it more. Scarlett Johanssen singing with the Jesus and Mary Chain? Lindsay Lohan wearing slutty suspender shorts? Danny DeVito and Peaches? Rage against the Machine taking everyone back to 1990? Paris Hilton dancing on stage during Girl Talk?

Weirdest party: Girl Talk’s Greg Gillis was amazing — clearly, calling this man a mere mash-up DJ is like calling Kierkegaard a sportswriter. What was Paris Hilton doing up there? Well, in the immortal words of Tone Loc, she wanted to come onstage, and do a little dance. So she did.

i'm sure anyone on the west coast would chalk this up to jealousy. but sincerely, it's just total, utter hatred for anyone singing, dancing, eating, or breathing at this hipster shitpile. if i could employ a team of scientists to use giant chainsaws to help annex California from the rest of the country, i would have done it this weekend. damn, i wish i would have thought of that sooner.