hey, 2007, shut the fuck up!

quick show of hands, who gives a shit about new year's eve, or as i like to call it, the poor man's st. patrick's day?

new year's eve is like a depressing birthday party for the whole world where nobody even gets to blow out candles. we all try to make these huge grandiose plans and without a doubt, they are fun plans. but once the shit hits midnight, nothing really changes. you'll bullshit about some resolutions you won't fulfill and then you'll wake up and do the same shit you've always done. does this sound depressing? DEAL WITH IT.

here's what i propose: replace new year's eve with Drunk Night. that's right, skip all this BS about clock watching and toasting with champagne and just get to the nitty gritty: we all just wanted to get fucked up. HAPPY HOLIDAYS, BITCHES!

Sweeney Odd

i get the whole background about sweeney todd. i had to sing the musical in grade school, on a dingy stage that vaguely smelled like bad cafeteria food. i got the whole premise and how awesome the songs were, and still are.

but with the movie...it was GOOD, don't get me wrong. it was a blood bath, a dark romp through london and throat-slitting and cannibalism, but there was something...off about it. maybe it was watching johnny depp sing crookedly while he slit the throats, maybe it was the way the bodies crumpled to the floor and hearing their necks crack, maybe it was helena bonham carter stealing the whole show, i don't know.

something about combining that much murder in a movie with that much singing was off-putting. i didn't know whether to be scared of sweeney todd or just start singing along. and i don't think that disconnect between singing and violence is as obvious during the stage show, when the actors bleed red ribbon and the violence isn't so effective and terrifying. like i said, sweeney todd was GOOD --- but maybe it wasn't great because it's hard to reconcile a mad man brutally murdering everyone while he's making sure he hit that one note just right.

Busty!!

Our fabulous friends over at Bust Magazine have a few last minute gift ideas for that special lady on your list. I personally prefer Vinnie's Tampon Case, JUST in case anyone cares.. AHEM.

"It's better to give than to receive."

Fuck giving to needy kids! H&M is having a sale this weekend and you bitches better get your coupon here: http://www.hmfriendsandfamily.com/ and get over there. I don't care that their goods are made by 4-year old Indonesians and that it falls apart after 5 washes, it is cheap and it's TRENDY. You know me, always gotta be cool and down with the newest shit. Who are we kidding? I'm not trendy, I'm just cheap. Enjoy!

FLAWLESS FILM ALERT

there's no need for me to even write anything about No Country for Old Men other than: GO FUCKING SEE IT.

best movie in so fucking long, epic and massive, absolutely flawless. if you've read the book, you'll see it's dead on. if you haven't read the book, you almost don't need to. the coen brothers have pulled this off so perfectly. and keep an eye out for javier bardem's amazing performance. best psychopath ever.

It's Baaaaaack!

Faggy shine boys, quirky crunchies, and Heidi Klum. Yes ladies, it HAS returned.
Personally, I thought Simone's dress was the worst last night and she needs to pack it up. I liked The Hippie's dress (shown above). And predict that Kit Pistol will be my fave.
Are there ANY straight guys on the show this season?? Who am I supposed to lust after?

pass the glitter glue

hey guess what?
you're getting a tampon angel for christmas.























i learned how to make them this afternoon here

what, you dont like?
fine, get comfy in maxi-pad bedroom slippers

















your stocking = stuffed.

My So-Called Elation!

As a fifteen year old growing up in the evil north shore suburbs of Boston I never felt much empathy from anyone around me. That is until, I met Angela Chase and Rayanne Graff. Suddenly I was not the only one growing increasingly more insane with each day. These people were seemingly plucked from my mind and thrown into my circle of friends. I remember watching the show at Renee's house with her sister and all three of us crying whenever Angela's cheeks scrunched up and her eyes welled over with tears. It was as if a part of her was alive in us and her character was pure empathy.

I had almost forgotten about this kick ass piece of early 90's pop culture until I read that Shout!Factory Store had re-released the entire series on DVD! It was originally released not long after the shows end, but the box set was quickly pulled and very difficult to find. No more!!

We can now lust for Jordan Catalano, get blasted with Rayanne and when appropriate be Rickys fag hag. Fabulous.

NEW THINGS!!

hey guys, there are some new blogs we've been making that basically mock everyone, so enjoy?

- RollinsLulz
- SarahLulz
- DictatorHeartz

(sorry for the shameless self-promotions but maybe you can has laughs?)

new trend alert! METAL FUCKING!

so this british artificial intelligence researcher (what a bullshit job, right?) is about to ruin your life with his bullshit research.

by his estimates (which i'm sure he either pulled out of his ass or deduced through the use of an abacus) we'll all be banging, marrying and in love with robots by the year 2050.

DO NOT WANT! DOES NOT COMPUTE! is your mind blown yet? cause you're totally gonna want to bang a dude made of steel that isn't really a dude at all but just a shining heap of metal buffed down to be soft enough to hold and cuddle.

probs start writing your dear john letters now so you can shake that worthless human being you think you love now. it's over, ladies. toss your birth control and COMMENCE ROBOT BANGING!

plentai hentai!

This is just what I have been loving lately. I'm not ashamed - it is awesome.

the code of the thug

ok so me and cupcakeface thought it would be fun to drink a bunch of booze and watch tupac's movie resurrection cause she got it for free from some basement bin of filth. i thought it was gonna be really lame BUT GUESS WHAT i was SO WRONG!

tupac is like a black, ghetto version of karl lagerfeld mixed with tracey morgan from 30 rock. he says the most random, thoughtful, bizarre things and i couldn't stop laughing at them. his insanity aside, this movie is actually pretty dope. did you know his parents were in the black panthers or something? the white man was always keeping them down. also, the code of the thug says no slinging in schools so don't do it, OK? and PS, probably don't bang dudes for money because then tupac thinks you're a bitch. but men can be bitches, too. it's all very complex.

exceptional quotes:
"I always felt like I'd be shot."
"I didn't create Thug Life. I diagnosed it."
"Mike Tyson, we used to kick it. He's a real cool brother, a big brother. The only difference in us is that he's big and I'm small. But I got the same heart he got. I want to knock everybody out."

loves & hates

might be easier to sum up life in fire & ice terms.

loves:
- interpol live (flawless)
- the contortionist's handbook by craig clevenger (take a seat palahiunuck)
- ask the dust by john fante (my new favorite writer)
- giant necklaces of animals (octopus necklace, you steal the show.)
- quick trips to california
- honey i washed the kids soap from lush
- quick emails from far away friends
- rosemont college courting my ass for grad school like it counts
- rediscovering how much i love big black's album 'songs about fucking'
- halloween explosions all over

hates:
- still going to work every morning
- arguing over california fires with idiots
- wisdom teeth
- real racism (fake is ok)
- RAPE DREAMS STARRING BILLY PRESTON
- a flight full of eighth graders out to california
- my dad dressing up as a gyno for halloween

Ahem!!

Fenway Faithfull:


My Baseball Boyfriend:
Bring it on Denver!

Update From Kat

Hey all. Just wanted to spread the word that I have officially been accepted to the non-fiction creative writing grad program at Lesley!!! Thanks Sarah for helping me with my writing sample. Look out, my bullshit is about to become legit!

project anticipation

Am I the only person who's been FIENDING for the new season of Project Runway?? Well it begins November 14th and I am beyong psyched. Another season of Heidi unable to pronounce the letter "R" Nina's bitchy upturned face and Tim telling the designers to "...make it work". This show if I dare say is far better than ANTM and the sneak peak previews display an interesting looking cast of characters. Just remember kids, in the world of fashion - you are either in or you are out (of the closet). Maybe we'll be blessed enough to have Krazy Karl Lagerfeld make an appearance! WTF am I saying he wouldn't waste his time with a bunch of nobodys - American nobodys nonetheless. Check out what he had to say about all of this!

in radiohead rainbows

I just love how they have stuck it to major labels with this stunt of theirs. Releasing this album only through their website and allowing fans to pay whatever they see fit is the best 'fuck you' any major recording artist could exclaim. Talk about keeping it in the basement! Good mellow album with heartbreaking streams of piano and Thom's whine. Enjoy kids - this is the first sign of big change in the industry.

•THE KLAX-OFF•

I have been patiently waiting to mark out about these darling boys, waiting until I saw them live and was able to present them under the most thorough light possible. Bitches - Klaxons are making it work like no one could ever dream of. Their highly coveted - 2007 Nationwide Mercury Prize winning album Myths of the Near Future could not be justified or explained in just a few words - imagine fear, sweat, orgasms, bright lights, dim lights, dance parties on foggy old english bridges and soft lovely day dreams burned away in the galaxy's stars. Basically this album has made me feel horny, dance hungry, intrigued and privelaged from first listen...


...and last night at Webster Hall they exposed them-gritty-selves - showed me a whole other side. Naked, raw and so deliciously thrashing - such a different sound from the recorded album - kinda like you saw yesterday's ballerina riding a motorcycle in a bikini the next night. Each song's dirty cousin kept blowing me away...and they practically did every song. Oh and FUCK anyone saying they are the leading horsemen of this douchey "Nu-Rave" movement cuz they are far too precious to even pigeonhole that way. Furthermore, you can't even define any member by their instrument or position cuz they kept passing that shit around - one singer one song, another man on keyboards the next...you'd be a fool not to accept that they gonna keep you on your toes. Jamie had on a leather jacket with a Dr. Dre Chronic tee, Simon's hair has gotten as awesome and huge as his puppy eyes, me and my sister saw Steffan in the pizzeria holding a Kiehl's shopping tote and James had the grin of a heartbreaker on the whole show. I am obsessed and thrilled. Last night was their last show in the U.S. and they will be coming back for their next albums tour which is currently underway.


1 infinitley long stream of winding, ringing, seductive smoke.

across the blue-niverse

Sooo...Jim Sturgess is the new Jake Gyllenhaal - in terms of fuckability ofcourse. Also, I'm honestly not even a Beatles mark but I absolutely loved this theatrical display of color, sound and historical relevance. Once you accept the cheese that comes with any musical movie, and go with it the same obvious way its creators do - Across the Universe is not only easy to swallow but makes it hard to keep your too cool sensibility up. It covers so much about America and the U.K at that time as well as incorporating key figures of the 60's into the plot in a very interesting and fitting way. Please just go see it and cry like an asshole like I did and you will understand what finally gave me something to write about on this our sacred 'BP'**Hear some of the songs if you'd like!

Just paste on a smile and don't think about the potential smells

If you know anything about me, you know that there are few people in this world that I tolerate, but I do love old people. Well, at least old people I know. (Shout out to Grammy and Dotty, we need to set a Scrabble/martini date!)

I know for many, it is sometimes hard to approach old people, let alone actually hang out with them, but once you do, it may be worth it. Luckily Google has compiled some tips that should help make it easier for you to be around old people. Who knows, it may even help you find a new, older, bff: http://www.wikihow.com/Communicate-With-Older-Adults Enjoy!

Good thing I wasn't hung over, or I would have puked on your back

Thank you. Thank you, 45 year-old grandmother for walking in front of me for 4 blocks in that glorious outfit last Friday morning. Your massive 4-inch long weggie (seriously, did you pay extra to have the anal exam with those pants?) entertained me for a portion of my walk to work. I have found a picture, that may have represented the look you were going for if you were about 100 pounds lighter, see above.

Noticing more (as I had no choice), the white, almost see through nature of your ridiculously tight pants let me see that you must have had a thong on and you obviously forgot it was after Labor Day. Luckily the pants were tight enough at the top too, so you were able to easily show off that glorious muffin top. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so I am glad I could have started with it. Oh yeah, and the sexy tube top that I could see your shoulders jiggling in, was amazing. I never knew that shoulders could move so well without actually moving your arms.

Thanks for making me think twice about having lite beer versus hard alcohol tonight. I looked it up. An ounce of the Captain has 60 calories. Yes, I will be consuming it with some diet tonight.

TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND TURKISH ELEPHANTS

there are no words in any language that can describe the love i have for this man.

karl lagerfeld designs delicious chanel clothing (orgasm), but he's more than that. karl lagerfeld is a legend, a bizarre character, a person that becomes more fascinating with every story you hear. karl lagerfeld is a mixture of kim jong il, bill brasky, and a perfectly aloof gay guy working in a Gap clothing store.

enjoy these tidbits about him. embrace this man. he is everything.

- "A dress that Karl Lagerfeld designed for Chanel was pulled from the season's line. The Arab world was up in arms after the sexy black item with Arabic words embroidered across it was modeled on the runway." The problem? The words, which Lagerfeld thought derived from a love poem, were in fact from the Koran.

- "Karl has the energy of . . . what? Twenty-five thousand Turkish elephants!" says socialite Anne Slater.

- "Firemen had to stand at the door to stop people from coming in because everyone wanted to see him [Lagerfeld]," says Robert Burke. "Karl said the firemen were the best-dressed people from the whole evening!"

- An emissary from Planet Not Obsessed With Karl: Chuck Close plants his wheelchair two inches from the exit door. "I'm not very interested in fashion," says Close, surveying the crowd. He sighs. "This event is making me want to start smoking again."

- The Fendi iPod bag can carry up to 12 iPods. It is already not clear to me who would own 12 iPods. Karl Lagerfeld, who designed the iPod bag, actually now has 40 iPods. The article goes on explaining that Lagerfeld converted his 60,000 CD collection onto the 40 iPods, which are scattered around the globe in his various residences.

- Karl has also taken a liking to Chan Marshall, singer of Cat Power, whom he has flown out to several Chanel shows in Europe.

Road Trip!

Recently some friends and I headed up to Branbury State Park for a fall weekend camping trip. On the way there we took a wrong turn (damn you google directions!) and drove 70 or so miles out of the way. Normally, something like this would irritate me to no end. But, it was raining and around 11pm, the thought of putting a tent up in the wet and dark was not the most appealing. And then it happened. Like a shining beacon of amber hope it appeared on the side of the road. The Long Trail Beer Brewery.

For those of you unfamiliar with Long Trail, it is made outside of Killington VT (nowhere near out campsite btw) by dirty, dirty hippies. It is a microbrewery, I have never seen Long Trail further south than MA. There are a few places around the Boston area to get it, but not many. They were of course closed that night, but we made the pilgrimage again on our way back to MA and stopped in to see the Hippies. Oh the Hippies.

Inside, there is a "self guided tour" which basically means you walk up some stairs, and onto a catwalk above the brewery floor. Pretty cool! They also have a bar and restaurant as well where we consumed nachos, jalepeno poppers, and onion rings after smoking a fatty. Then it was on to the gift shop, which was right behind the bar so we didn't have to go far. There you can buy tshirts and junk like that, but you can also buy cases and cases of Long Trail beer. Sweet Blackberry Wheat, with your crisp hint of berry, and the Double Bag, with its 7.2% alcohol goodness. We bought 3 cases. Yay for camping!!!

Hallelujah Girls!

Not that we needed another reason to visit NYC, but now thanks to the fabulous staff of Viridian Spirits we have one! They have created a legal form of Absinthe that is now being served in hoity toity bar rooms all across Manhattan! This almost makes me forget about my hatred of NY Yankees fans, and the Yankees themselves. Thank you New York. Thank you for getting me drunk.

WHAT?!

is everyone DEAD?!

white chalk outlines around your heart

pj harvey's album was released in the UK today, and the leaks have started already. white chalk is devastating, the more i listen to it. it sounds like the music heartbroken ghosts would write while watching their former lovers put on makeup to go on a date with someone alive.

the images she evokes with her lyrics (lovers choking each other, teeth being smashed with hammers, abortions, dying children, etc), bring you back to maybe a farmhouse in the 1700's, decades back to elaborate mirrors and candle-lit haunted houses, back to times when people couldn't love whomever they wanted, when tragedy was kept under blankets at night.

if you're looking for a quick rock album, this isn't it. this isn't 'to bring you my love' or 'uh huh her'. but if you're looking for 34-minutes of a time capsule, of resounding, haunting piano, of searing broken hearts and dying romance, of vibrant decay -- this is it.

LISTEN UP LUSHES!

have you ever wanted your lips to be soft, natural, and still taste like a mix of frosting and apple pie? then my god, this lip balm is for you.

Lush's Lip Squeak is possibly the best thing to ever grace my lips besides your boyfriend's semen. sure, it's seven dollars, but you'll have the most amazing lips on the planet and then you can give my boyfriend head in a quest for revenge. but i won't care because i didn't like him anyway.

this product is 100% critical to your success as a woman. and as a quick sidenote: everything else at Lush is also perfect. try the Karma soap.

friday foreplay

mmm, disney and kotex bring you the story of menstration. listen up girls, there's a reason your vag is weeping red! ew, i just grossed myself out.

peter bjorn and john blog

I figured I would keep their whole merchandising motif going - considering their stand included a black tote bag which read "peter bjorn and john bag" in plain white caps -along with tees, posters and pins. Not to mention the back drop and bass drum on stage. Must be a Swedish thing.


However, I really should focus on the show at the Roseland Ballroom this past Thursday rather than the goods. The Clientel blew (not blew me away, just blew as in boring - I don't care if they are super respected among indie dorks, or if they have like 3 or 4 coveted albums, they can suck my dick - but they might be bad at that too) And to my delight PB&J opened with 'Let's Call it Off' Also, when introducing Ms. Nicole Atkins for the female vocal on 'Young Folks' Bjorn actually mentioned that she's from "New Yersey". It was a fun time but I really am not a fan of that whole scene, full of faces trying too hard to look blank.

On a side note, I guess this guy gave up his mission. It's official kids...PB&J's gonna stick to the roof of your brain.

jezebel gets hearts

hot damn, jezebel ruined some lives at fashion week with this little stunt:

At precisely 2pm today, two badass young broads clad in eggplant-hued stewardess outfits sidled up to the cement staircase facing NYC's 6th Avenue bearing gifts for the dazzling yet dispossessed: Jezebel barf-bags. Inside the bags? More fashionista fun, namely, Ex-Lax, tongue depressors and, to top it all off, Tic-Tacs.

goddamn, we better top that for next year, ladies.

Here's Something I Just Thought Of...

Real quick readers, if Hill wins the election, she will sit day in and day out at the same desk where her husband got a hummer and gave Monica the old in'out with a Cubano.

How comfortable would you feel in that position? Think she will get the carpets in the oval office steam cleaned? Will she find an intern of her own to sit under that desk? She must have pondered the possibility.

ahhhh yesssssssssssssssssss

put him back in jail, please.

everyone's favorite stupid ass is at it again:

"I'd like to see Hillary Clinton be president. It would be nice to see a woman be the actual president and ... this is a way for us to have Bill Clinton be president again, and he did a great job during his term." - 50 Cent

maybe if he would have rapped that, nobody would have caught it. you know, he'd be saying this stupid shit and you'd just assume he was talking about banging bitches again. unfortunately, he said it at a press conference like a tool.

here's a thought: just keep buying guns and pistol-whipping people and leave the politics to someone that makes an iota of sense.

You’re Uncle Harold’s email address is: Harold.

True story, this is what I heard out my window last night:

Car rolls up and double-parks on my one-way street.
Buzzer for the intercom to the apartment across the street.
Lady who is always yelling at her kids, yells out the window, not using the intercom: “Sal, what’s up?”
Sal, an old Italian man: “What’s going on with your dad’s phone? I think it's off the hook again.”
Lady, talking to dad inside apartment: “Dad, look, your phone is off the hook again.”
Lady, yelling outside Sal: “You’re right, it was off the hook.”
Sal: “Ok, tell your dad I am going to call him when I get home.”
Sal gets in car pulls away.

I am not sure this is what Alexander Graham Bell had in mind when he invented the phone. Man, do I love living in the North End.

i can't compete with your tiger beat!

the screamers are my new obsession.

a million reasons these 1970's LA techno punk rockers rule: the frontman is named tomata du plenty, they refused to record an album, they also refused to use guitars, they used to sell out the whiskey-a-go-go and the roxy without any official releases, the lyrics are ridiculous and i just can't stop listening to them.

since there are only bootlegs, i'll make it easy and post up a myspace page with some songs on it and here are a few lyrics for good measure:

There's sixteen reasons why I'm not in vogue,
I can't compete with your tiger beat,
Why don't you jet me to your precious family circle

You don't love me
You love magazines

Is this Apartment House Wrestling?
Another Mad Saga
My Fate has been sealed to a Modern Bride
Was it Fact or Fantasy, Simplicity Patterns?

and here's video of "i'm going steady with twiggy":

iceberg slim. no creative title necessary.

i've been meaning to post about this book for a hot minute, but i kept getting sidetracked by the fact that the cover is so sparkly (joking, joking).

on the real though, iceberg slim is insane. he's a crazy ass motherfucker that grew up in wisconsin and went on to become a rich pimp that constantly found himself behind bars. this all went down in the late 1930's, back when suits were called vines and men really did turn tricks.

iceberg slim's best work, in my opinion, is Pimp: Story of My Life. from hitting whores with wire hangers to going down on the babysitter, iceberg slim has lived an insane life. and he really exemplifies pimp culture, not the watered down bullshit we hear about in rap songs.

if you want a wild ride filled with beat down street pussy, crime, sex, drama and the nitty gritty streets, eat it up. it's just as much a history lesson as a trashy extravaganza.

Just An Update..

Some of you may remember my bout with the less hot than Marky Mark statie about a month or so ago where I was given a speeding ticket. I am proud today to say that I fought the law and MY ASS WON! Thats right. Power to the people bitches.

lord of the little fat kids

there's a huge uproar right now over a new program produced by CBS called "Kid Nation". the cut and dry of it? forty fuckin' kids between the ages of 8 and 15 jammed together in a little town in NEW MEXICO, trying to live together WITHOUT any adult supervision - all filmed so you can get your sick reality TV kicks, you piece of shit!

apparently, having no adults around led (WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!?) to some of the children "accidentally drinking bleach" and being found with burns on their faces. not only that, apparently the kids had to put in 14-hour days, and CBS is under fire for breaking child labor laws - in NEW MEXICO (who knew they even had laws? i figured it was just an outlaw society). it also looks like the parents of these kids got paid off big time to ship their little tots off to the land of bleach and fire.

anyway, if this doesn't sound like the Lord of the Flies, i don't know what does. the only thing that surprises me is that these forty little fucks didn't eat the fat one. the only thing that remains to be seen is whether or not CBS will actually air this shit because everyone is protesting it. the other thing that remains to be seen is whether or not i will watch it. i'm still not sure.

you got me, PJ

little teaser: Bushwick is Beautiful posted up a new track from PJ Harvey's forthcoming release, White Chalk. the song is called "When Under Ether" and it's a piano-drenched, haunting song that reminds me of the biggest bout of withdrawl.

if this is any indication, White Chalk is gonna eat us all alive on September 24th.

godbless

meet winnie langley, legendary hotness, who celebrated her 100th birthday by smoking her 170,000th cigarette. KUDOS, YOU OLD BITCH!

she had this to say:

"I have smoked ever since infant school and I have never thought about quitting. There were not all the the health warnings like there are today when I started. It was the done thing."

amazing. absolutely amazing. let's have a moment of silence for this piece of old sex.

he's askin for it....

but do NOT stop Mr. Mark Ronson. Yes, he's been down since the early 90's, yes he's dj'd Gucci shows in Paris, yes he's worked on Winehouse and Lily Allen's albums, yes he was born in the u.k. and was raised in n.y.c : now you must hear his latest genius titled "Version".


This shit is so feel good and eclectic, there's a fucking hot ass cover of Spear's "Toxic" which I couldn't even believed I loved...the sounds are mixed and served like pizza during high tea - Check out the video for his latest single "Stop Me" feat. Daniel Merriweather : gonna be stuck in your heads at least all week:



Bop and swoon bitches!

also possibly dead? the dictator.

i can't believe i'm posting this, but it's interesting. if perez hilton is correct, fidel castro is dead.

i'm not as much upset about the fact that castro is (might be?) dead, as i am about the idea that the news was BROKEN BY PEREZ HILTON. i will continue to pray that this is all BS and that i can delete this post in the morning, praying no one has seen it. unfortunately, the drudge report is confirming it too. so long, CASTRO!

the queen is actually dead, apparently.

everyone's favorite crybaby is at it again. that's right, it appears Morrissey really DOES care about the music, or morals, or hating the rest of The Smiths. I'm not sure which.

"Morrissey's publicist has confirmed the artist refused a $75 million offer to tour under the Smiths name in 2008 and/or 2009, with the only mandate being that Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr would be part of the band. The Smiths also declined a multi-million dollar offer to perform in recent years at the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival in Indio, Calif."

you know, this is actually mind-boggling. how much money does this man have to be able to turn down SEVENTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS? does he dry his tears with hundred dollar bills? does he clean his asshole with fifties?

on the other hand, with every other band from Bush to Van Halen to the Police reuniting themselves in the name of earning a few more bucks, Moz might be onto something here. i'm torn between total respect and total disgust. someone help me?

Street Sweeping Super Sucks (Alliteration Rocks)

So, this was the second time this month my car got towed. After coming back from Puerto Rico and finding it missing the first time, I was glad to hear that it was towed because of a “Moving Vehicles Only-Tow Zone” sign that they put up with only 24-hours notice and that is was not stolen (stupid lazy ass neighbor who doesn’t realize that a) everyone moving into the city has to deal with walking a couple blocks to get their shit in their house and they can’t just tow their neighbors to avoid this and b) I do know where you live #40, welcome to the neighborhood asshole).

Anyways, the point of the story is that I got a ride from the Boston Police twice this month to the tow lot in East Butt Fuck Nowhere. Thus saving me probably close to a $40 cab ride (thanks Boston’s blue) each time. But I did have two different drivers.

Cop #1: Officer Bill: 47 years-young, 11 years on the job, he let me sit in the front seat with him. He’s moving to a new house, we discussed his wife and 4 daughters and how the 13 year-old hates him and the 3 year-old can’t get enough. We even talked about the life of a cop. When we got there, he said he would come in with me to see if he could get the towing fee reduced, and he did. Seriously, I wasn’t even showing any cleavage.

Cop #2: Officer Nyeisha: Early 30s, 2 years on the job. She opened the back door for me and I sat down almost breaking my ass on the hard, un-cushioned, plastic seat (seriously, can’t prisoners get a little comfort?). There was bulletproof glass in between us and about 10 minutes into the ride she asked if I wanted the windows open, which was good timing because I was about to pass out from the build up of my own carbon monoxide. After a fast speed ride without any convo (although she did put the lights on and use that weird honk once to get a car out of the way), she dropped me off at the tow lot, and gave me a smile as I graciously thanked her.

I am going to ask for Officer Bill next time. And I'll even show him my boobs, if he wants to see them.

and on the ninth day, there were pocket shots

ladies, ladies, ladies, something tremendous has happened.

that's right, some modern day albert einstein has created Pocket Shots, delectable little disposable flasks filled with your choice of Vodka, Gin, Tequila, Whiskey and Rum.

imagine it: you no longer have to stuff your bra with nips, flasks or other annoying devices to transport your booze. in fact, this means there's no excuse not to drink everywhere all the time. if your desk drawers aren't filled with these little miracles by noon tomorrow, just clean out your shit and leave. you're 100% fired.

(with thanks to fun vampires)

Cover Your Apples!

It's one thing to put clothes on your dog. Many a little mutt has been seen sporting a Burbury jacket, specialized collar or the seasonal Halloween doggy costume. Frankly, I think the practice of clothing things that otherwise are not meant to be is rigoddamndiculous. It annoys me. So you can imagine my sheer disgust when I heard about Jacqueline Dufresne's Apple Jacket.

Thats right folks, for just $14.50 you too can put a repulsive knit covering on your fucking apples. Seriously people, FRUIT? The depths of American depravity have reached new lows. I just, I have nothing else to say. I'm going to go hang myself.

i have a new obsession

and it is BAD DRAWINGS AND FAN ART.

exhibit A: DOUCHE WARS WITH SWORD


exhibit B: ANGELINA JOLIE - ALLEGEDLY
absolutely amazing. but wait, it gets better...

exhibit C: JOHNNY DEPP

far be it from me to tell people to quit doing something they love. BUT STOP THIS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO SPEND ALL DAY LAUGHING INSTEAD OF DOING MY WORK.

wait, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, this is true art. have a seat, picasso. the real artists are here now.