g00gle ruined my life

for the past week, i've been a hot mess thanks to G00gle. in my random applications for random jobs, i've applied pretty much everywhere, even at NASA. but when i heard back from G00gle (the Boston office, mind you) regarding my application, i thought it was some kind of prank.

the posting i applied for was for an administrative assistant position. i did it on a whim, as i have no experience in that area and i'm terrified of fax machines. i would technically make a horrible secretary, but g00gle actually emailed me back and asked me a few more questions. i responded to those and the next thing i knew, i had a phone interview with some folks in California. they didn't seem too interested in really talking to me, and instead said it was very important that i head into the Boston office for an interview and teleconference.

i hit up the Boston office on Monday morning after a flight in from landing a job in Philly. i walked into the office and it was all pimped out in primary colors with neat chairs and sofas and a coffee table. there were engineers walking around, and two huge plasma screen TVs on the wall. one of the TVs had a bunch of weird words and phrases popping up, some in other languages. turns out, the phrases are things being searched on g00gle, with X-rated stuff filtered out. neat.

a gentleman came and introduced himself. he took me into a room and asked me if i had any questions. this is when the mindfuckery began.

me: what would my day-to-day responsibilities be?
g00gle dude: i don't know.
me: what hours would i work?
g00gle dude: no idea.
me: who would i report to?
g00gle dude: not sure.

as you can see, they were already throwing monkey wrenches into my brain. within the first five minutes i realized i had no idea what position i was even being considered for. so then we moved on to the logic test and writing sample portion of the interview. they stuck me in a tiny room, and asked me two really tough logic questions that were the biggest mind bogglers i've ever encountered. i'm not very logical by nature, but this was something else altogether. it was like four of the SATs put together with the GREs and some madlibs. i scribbled and tried to work out the questions for about an hour and then moved on to my writing sample.

once that was finished, i hunted down my interview guy. he let me have some lunch while he reviewed my answer and then i had a teleconference interview with two other admins, one in Seattle and one in Mountain View, CA. these ladies gave a little more insight into the job, which wasn't really answering phones and emails but instead was to serve as a contact person for a staff of engineers and five directors. i would also plan events like the grand opening of g00gle Boston, and maintain relationships between g00gle and MIT by throwing ice cream socials. i'd also spend my first week working in Boston and then fly out to the G00gleplex for 3 weeks to train. amazing.

i finished my teleconferences and had another interview with the Director of Engineers. he was pretty rad and we hit it off. by the time i left, i had a g00gle name tag, and my head was dancing with g00gle dreams.

for the last few days, i've been like one of those psycho girls who wants a boy to call her after she fucked him, like "maybe g00gle is just busy or something" or "shouldn't g00gle have called by now? don't they even care about me?" or "let's just drive by g00gle's house and see if it's home" or "that's it, i'm going to call g00gle again and see if they pick up the phone!"

but i didn't get the job. they said they liked me a lot, but that the girl that came after me really blew them away. so yeah, that whore took my job. the reality is, i'm not sure how good i am at planning parties. i'm mostly just good at going to them and embarassing myself. i realized that the job sounded amazing, but my background had nothing to do with the job. for some reason, i wanted it anyway. the kind of people g00gle hires makes you want to work there. it's like being invited to join an exclusive club of people with two brains instead of one.

i guess g00gle didn't really ruin my life so much as they threw me for a serious loop when it came to the interview. but at the end of the day, i guess i'm proud i even got the chance to interview there. although, if i had it to do all over again, i would have stolen a few more things or at least flipped them the bird on the way out, yelling 'G00GLE THIS!'